U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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