I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
