Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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