girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
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i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
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I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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