matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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