I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
