Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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