chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
