They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
