nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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