apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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