the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
