I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
