I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
