Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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