You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
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I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
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I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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