Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
4 words: hood of his car
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
