I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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