The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
