I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
