He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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