i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
