every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
