he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
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Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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