I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
