I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
