Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
