How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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