census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
