I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
