It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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