Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
