I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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