I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
