Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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