I'm gonna have a badass scar
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
