farters have to be the big spoon...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
