The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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