Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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