Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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