He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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