i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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