I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
