My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
