I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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