apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I have aggressive nipples.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
