I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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