She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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