Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she pinky promised me she was 18
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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