Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
