The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
