This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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