I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
