I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
