i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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