Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
