i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
