She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
