if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
