It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
