Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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