What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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